June Update

Working again has completely drained me. I have had the luxury of taking Friday's off and working as much as I can Monday - Thursday. This has allowed me those two days for recovery from working and one day for keeping my life outside of work together.

I'm not sure how much longer I can pull off not working on Fridays. One week at a time...

While all my other symptoms have gone I still have the very first and most discerning one which appears to worsen when stressed or working (maybe working and stress are the same thing.) The fatigue symptom.

It's supposedly the most challenging part to get rid of and with the fatigue you risk some mental challenges as well. Your brain just doesn't work. You feel like your response level is moving like molasses and for women you get extremely emotional from the tiredness.

My once unemotional (and proud of it) personality used to be able to handle anything people or life would throw at it. Now, feeling like I haven't slept in four days my emotions are constantly bubbling over and overwhelming me to my own embarrassment. It appears to be getting worse rather then better as time goes by.

For example:

While my emotions have overwhelmed me they have only been shown to people who were closes to me during moments of intense conversation surrounding my life and how my illness has affected it. Of course an emotional response is acceptable.

Last Saturday I was stung by a hornet. While my entire family is allergic to hornets I did not go into anaphylactic shock which was a large relief for me. The next day however, my entire forearm had swollen up drastically and appeared to be getting much worse. I refrained from going to the ER (not really wanting to have add ER visit number 6 to this year) and treated it to best my knowledge and waited to see what happened.

Monday it was much worse and unbearable which caused me to go to my doctor. Upon seeing it my doctor informed me that it was "infected" and I needed to go on antibiotics. My response was total disbelief and silence for an awkward moment.

Then I suddenly burst into massive tears. Sobbing, I told her I didn't want to go on antibiotics. Anything but drugs please! Sadly I hate my practitioner and she rushed me out of her office with instructions that if it didn't get better in 24-48 hours i needed to go to the ER to get it lanced.

It took me four hours to digest and move past having to be on antibiotics again. I was completely and utterly angry at what, I was unsure. I spent time on the phone with friends just venting and saying for the first time ever, "WHY ME?" Then of course the guilt of feeling like that or thinking like that would set in and I would once again brake into massive tears. Why had this incident, so small compared to what I have been through, seemed to have had this effect on me?

Here is the bottom line.

I. JUST. WANT. TO. BE. BETTER. AND. NOT. SEE. A. DOCTOR. FOR. AT. LEAST. THREE. MONTHS.

That's it. That's all I want in life.

BUGS PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE. (thank you for your understanding of my situation bugs)

I wish that would work. (nervous laugh here followed with long exasperated sigh)

As for exercising, I've only been able to do little things. I'm unsure when to try and start to push it and make myself walk more then the 15 min walk that I go on at 3pm everyday. I think I am waiting to see if my emotionalism will subside first at which point, I'll try again.