New Activities Help Mental State of Mind

I've focused a lot of my recovery on attempting to get back into my active lifestyle, however, when I have crashed as hard as I have in the past three weeks I realized how completely devastated I was in what felt like failure in the one thing I have been fixated on.

While getting back into being active is still important I also know how important it is that I have my sanity to be able to do that. I'm youngish and my life, aspirations and dreams seem to be slipping further and further away from me as the time that it takes me to get back into my norm continues to be stalled by the unknown with little to no answers on when or how I'll be able to get back into things. This isn't a "positive" way of thinking and the mental game I need to be able to play to become active requires mental strength which I am lacking at the moment.

I used to have this odd personality that some people found to be admirable and others thought was scattered and lacked consistency. I would get an "itch" to do something and just do it. I would move across the country with only what would fit in my car and no job, (none of my friends and family back home believed that I was leaving until I did) attempt to train and do Triathlons out of the blue, decide that I want to learn how to build with brick and mortar and building an amazing square file pit, build my own desktop computer from scratch out of no where, dive into a paddling club suddenly, or even something small like picking up a Digital SLR and trying to become an expert in taking photo's or decide to try snowboarding and quickly owning all my own equipment and becoming a snowboarding fanatic. I was all over the board in activities and interest. My friends never knew what to expect from me next. No people, I don't have ADD!

Whatever I chose to do I would threw myself into it and would research and obsess over making it my life until I figured it out. It's amazing the information out on the Internet to help with this type of a personality! While I was never amazing at what I did I loved trying new things and trying to be my best at them. It's how I developed friends of all types and how I opened my horizon with options. My friends used to make fun of all the odd different things I was into but it was just my personality. I was never bored and I always had something to try and master.

This disease took my ability to be able to just get up and do these things. Somehow it also took my spark and drive away. I was in school prior to becoming ill and now I'm scared of getting into school again and being forced to take a test and have to regurgitate the information in my head. While I know I know the answers and the content I would be afraid of drawing a blank at test time and not remember how to spell my own name.

The fear of "crashing" physically also holds me back. When I have to sleep for days at a time and weeks turn into months and months turn into years... it feels as though life is passing me by and I'm not contributing to it. This can spark a domino affect in my own head of increased anger.

This mental fear that used to be in the back of my head and held at bay when I had small steps of success to hold onto and focus on has been unleashed as my success and work was stripped from me these past three weeks forcing me into a depression state of mind that is lasting far longer then any other depression moments. In the past my depression moments lasted a day or two at the most and I was always brought back up somehow which always made me stronger. I prided myself in being able to climb out of my depression with my logic and accepting that it's normal to feel that way and awaking the next day thankful for a new day and a new attempt at my abilities.

This time, it's harder. I was able to see the finish line... but now I'm not sure where it went and I'm tired mentally as well as physically. I have no idea what tomorrow might bring and that in my own measured out mind is concerning and painful.

I thought about learning how to play the guitar a while ago. I know a lot of friends who learned on their own and I thought that maybe it could be a good mental thing for me to try and do. It doesn't involve much other then my dedication and a little bit of brain work which could be good exercise for my brain. I'm also taking my personality into approach here in an attempt to try and cater to my own needs as a person... to do new things and explore the world around me despite the fact that it's just from my own bedroom. I don't expect to be good at it anytime soon or ever but I do expect myself to enjoy the ability to learn something new and possibly gain even more respect for the people who do play well.

Here's to trying new things!!!! I hope that this helps get me out of this deep rut and into the light again. Music can sooth the sole and is an amazing outlet for so many things.