The Meltdown I Never Had

Two days ago I walked into our backyard and watered the Cherry Blossom tree that we had planted for our daughter and the large plot of grass we were attempting to regrow. It's a routine I do every day.

My daughter and I came inside after and took our afternoon nap and while she was still asleep I took a quick shower. It was when I was drying off that I found it... there on the side of my butt cheek was a small very red rash. Upon closer examination there was unmistakeably a small tick sticking out of the middle!!!

Stunned pause.

I freak out! Normally I am very composed but the following is a melt down I never had over the three years I fought Lyme.

I pulled that tick out so fast and ran and grabbed a baggie to save it. Still naked I looked over the rest of my body looking for any more small invading killers and then ran and woke my daughter up (she was outside with me) to strip her naked. Not finding any on her (Thank God) I take another look at my new found rash. It's not the bulls eye rash but then again the first time I never even had a rash let alone a tick.

I place my stunned naked baby in her crib and (still unclothed myself) run around the house frantically searching for my phone. I curse myself in not keeping it in one place for moments when my brain is not functioning but running on pure endorphins. When i finally locate it I call... oh man who do I call in the middle of the day when everyone else is at work? My mom. Yes, I called my mother who lives in Tucson, Arizona.

When she picks up I had a hard time getting my words out. As if just speaking the words would make it really real and the experience of the last several years and what Lyme cost me floods my thoughts. "Mom, I (choke) found a tick on me and, and... I already have a, a rash." I start crying and can't speak. She does what I needed her to do and tells me to call my doctor right away to get on meds.

As I wait for my doctor to call back I run to the store and talk to someone about how to treat my yard. Then I go to the pet store and grab dip for my dog. Needless to say, about $125 later I'm home with enough bug treatment that I'm sure we'll be bug free for a while.

The rest of the day my skin is crawling. It's one thing to be out on a hike or nature walk and come across ticks but to find one ON ME in my own house from my own back yard that I thought was controlled really freaks me out.

The next day... I walk outside to water the grass area and tree and I stand on the edge of the cemented patio looking at the tree on the other side of the yard. It never seemed so far away but there is a good amount of grass that I would have to walk through to get to it. It seems like forever away in my sandled feet and I imagion ticks crouching on each of the thousands of grass blades waiting to pounce and burrow their heads into my vulnerable skin.

I've never been an over dramatic person. While fighting Lyme I was still able to keep my composure by keeping my eye on the ball and taking measured deliberate strides towards my own healing. I never really stopped to think about the after affects of my experience. The major fear I have now of the small creatures that can tear my life apart slowly and painfully. I never thought of the nightmares I would have about my own daughter and her ability to play outside freely like I did as a child. Or how I would never have the urge to go camping or back packing again out of the fear.

As I stood at the edge of my safe zone in my yard wishing I could get enough confidence to walk to the tree I asked myself if I would let the ticks win today? Yes, I thought. Today I will let them win because I am still emotionally getting over yesterday, but tomorrow... I'll walk to the edge again and ask the same question. If there is one thing I learned it's that tomorrow is another day and sometimes it's OK to try again as long as I continue trying.